Weird Science

Hollie’s niece and nephew are participating in a school science fair. We here at the home office are big supporters of the scientific method, so as any good aunt and almost-uncle would do, we agreed to participate in the “how many pounds of recycling does a family generate each week” study.

After sending in this week (week 3)s’ data,  I was informed that the study was in fact over.

We are appalled at the methodology being used.

- 2 weeks? really? is that really enough to go on? really? (one big football game and a load of  Sports Illustrateds could easily skew this experiment)
- where’s the hypothesis? I didn’t hear any hypothesis?
-  What measuring methods were used, exactly? I stepped on a 15 year old radial bathroom scale holding a garbage pail full of newspapers and Bud Lite empties while Hollie stuffed the remaining discarded dog food cans and bottles of $8 wine in my arms…then i deducted my body weight.  When we saw the other 2 families’ to-the-hundreth-of-a-pound weigh ins conducted with fancy new scales, eyebrows were raised.

Hollie has suggested that I go the elementary school science fair and ask pointed questions to find out if the experiment would hold up to the standards of Galileo, Aristotle and Descartes.  Hollie also wants me to drill 8 year old nephew on the specifics of his “evaporation” experiment. bogus.

I don’t think parents would send their teenagers over to an old man’s house after school any more for some “experimenting” –Hollie
(Hollie requested that her caption be credited appropriately)

Cart Fail

I was so so excited to take my new cart out for a spin in Park Slope. And the fridge was empty, and some shopping needed to be done, so tonight was the night. You know, one of those old lady/ homeless lady carts that everyone has in Brooklyn

you know.... however, mine is the deluxe with swivel wheels, sucka

Will was skeptical.  It was already 7:30 pm when I was able to go.  And I was going to the food coop, 18 blocks away.  ”Don’t walk back, I’ll pick you up in the car when you’re done,” he said.  But persistent me* insisted that no, I was going to use my new cart.

Going there, with the cart folded was no sweat. Will escorted me, using the walk as the dogs’ nighttime poop excursion. But coming back…

I didn’t even make it to the number streets before the cell phone was out calling my car service. That’s a bit park slope insidery, but trust me, no more than 2 blocks. There were a few reasons why I needed the bailout:

• Swivel wheels or no, sidewalks are bumpy.  I lost a 9-grain organic baguette before I got to the first corner
• Oh crap, is it really 9:30 pm? Looks like someone spent too much time shoveling bulk organic israeli cous cous into her parchment bags
• Cart driving is not as easy as it looks, especially weighed down. Damn you swivel wheels!!
• At the pace I was going, the 15 minute walk would have been 40
• There’s  nothing like walking down the street in Brooklyn at 9:30 pm with $125 worth of groceries in a slow moving cumbersome cart, without seeing any of the usual crowds of nannies/ hyper moms/ hipsters (Brooklyn closes early!), and having just finished novel set in Park Slope that had a continuous theme that gentrified, schmentrified, you’re still in Brooklyn, to remind you that — holy shit, I’m going to get mugged, aren’t I.
• The few people I did pass were laughing at me

So I parked my cart in front of the closed but well lit hardware store. Out came the iPhone and I dialed my knight in shining armour, and by knight I mean a guy nice enough to pause the Islander game, and by shining armour I mean ’99 Accord (it is silver).

There is little more humiliating than standing on an empty sidewalk in front of a gated up hardware store with a cart filled with organic produce and having your boyfriend pull over, get out of the car, put the groceries in the trunk… and then fold up your sorry cart and put it in the backseat. FAIL.

* I’m actually one of the least persistent people you’ll ever meet. I typically give up quite easily. would have served me well, yet again.

Must-Skip TV

Hollie has a hard time refusing any market research related activity (ie. focus groups on ANYTHING). We received a call two weeks ago about participating in a “fun” study around a “new sitcom” and Hollie excitedly agreed. I use quotes around “new sitcom” because at today’s Home Office Lunch Hour, we viewed the DVD (today was our assigned day to watch it) and the show was neither new nor funny.

poor guy is now forever immortalized and incessantly mocked on message boards. Although the show is getting more burn than if it actually made it to the network!

Over  sloppy joes , we watched some sloppy tv  - The Rocky Laporte Show. Wow – what a disaster.  It was so formulaic of a CBS family sitcom, it almost seemed fake.

- slightly overweight, likeable, boorish husband: check
- snarky but loving wife who gets angry when husband doesn’t celebrate anniversary but in the end loves him for him – check!
- sidekick “buddy” who provides many of the better one liners: check
- two kids: one know it all older child who tries to give Dad advice; one dorky younger kid: check

Looks like the copyright on this failed sitcom was 2006. Hol and I quickly surmised that this research had nothing to do with the show and everything to do with the commercials. We found message boards and various blog posts supporting our theory (and lambasting this show). Market Research Co X must’ve purchased this debacle from CBS and appear to have been using this for the last 4 years.

We’ll see tomorrow when we get the follow up call, but I really really really hope I am wrong so I can hear Hollie’s responses to detailed questions about Rocky Laporte’s  plot, character development and potential story arcs.

What you miss out on at the Home Office

The HR lady from the company I’m doing contract work for… remotely… just sent out an email to all. Announcing that they are ordering in pizzas for everyone for lunch.

At least it's Boston pizza...how good could it be

Just sloppy joe leftovers in the home office!

O.M.G. Did you see that play!

I have my own bet going on for the football games today… How many texts will and his friends will exchange durig th Jets game. Like teenage girls. I initially said 11, but he’s 2/3 there only in the second quarter.

Maybe he’ll read Twilight during halftime.

Ghosts of cubicle dwellers past

I sat in an un-cleared out desk of an unfortunate predecessor.  Just as the gloom of vacant walls and vacant stares was getting to me, I saw sign of life tacked up to the cubicle wall:

Whoever sat here developed some sort of point system for items found on desks in the office. Did he play this game with coworkers? Was this his own personal game, developed to keep some element of fun in his day,like prisoners mark the days on the wall with slashes in old timey movies? I don't know, but it seems like something I would do. Kindred spirits. I bet that SOB is spending the winter in Costa Rica or something.

Of course, I’d have some modifications. For one, giving points for a phone is bunk, since everyone has one. And I don’t quite understand the high point value for a paper clip cup, though that’s kinda funny.  And I’d like to add a 500 point bonus for any picture of a celebrity hung up.*  And maybe a bonus for a calendar featuring animals (not in an animal rights way, in a “oh, look at the fluffy kittens” lame way).  Anywho, me and my former work friend Judy would have a multilayered point value system in place, and it would be competitive.** I like it! 

Yes, I’m making myself feel better about possibly reentering the work force.

* There was a girl at my old company who had Freddie Prinze Junior tear outs all over her desk. That would have been a gold mine.
** Btw, oh dear god, it is really hard to concentrate with all the gabbing, gossip, and giggling that takes place in an office. I deeply apologize to all former colleagues, as I am quite aware that that’s usually me. Between the Match.com date recaps, weekend plan summaries, Girl Scout cookie transactions… How do people work in these places?!!!!   Get me back to the home office!

I want my jammies

I’m in a real life office today. As awful as I remember! How did people ever think this was a suitable place for human beings to spend their day?

At least there’s coffee!

Slow news day: Fun things I learned about my purse on the subway

I’m done with the book I was reading and found myself with some time on my hands on the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I spent some of my time avoiding the homeless woman who had shat herself and was moving car to car despite my attempts to stay one ahead of her. When that was done, and I searched through my bag. Two things learned:

Keep away from fat! I remember once me and my friend stole about 6 dozen fried garlic bread sticks from the Hauppague Pizza Hut lunch buffet. I don't think I could do that with this bag. Growny uppy.

Also:

Oh nuts, that wasn't trial sized hand moisturizer! And I put it on right before shaking an interviewer's hand. You know, I thought it was watery.

Coffee war of 2010

As with any office, the pulse of the Home Office relies on coffee.  It’s brewed before the morning dog walk, and sometimes even consumed while we lazily just let the dogs out the back, blaming the weather.  On average we brew 2 pots a day, usually filling it at the 7 cup mark on the Krups. We drink it out of big mugs. I thought everything was just fine, until Will woke up one day and said those dreaded words:

“I think we’re drinking too much coffee”

I rolled my eyes and gathered my defenses, because I knew what happened and what was coming. Either he read something somewhere, or he himself hadn’t been feeling well and decided to blame coffee. But, much like the Great Gym Push of 2009, once he has something in his head he was going to be a single minded prick and try to make me do something I didn’t want to do. In this case… drink decaf.

The new coffee bar. The secondary measuring cup is necessary because rare is the day that I can keep track of how many scoops I've put in the filter from start to finish. I start filling it up, but then start thinking of something else (ideas!) and have to dump it out and start over. I should be on medication. Or at least FULL CAF COFFEE.

Yeah, so Will implemented, without any vote, the “Half Caf” coffee brewing procedure. We got all this Gevalia coffee for Chrismukkah, so the idea is to blend it with the decaf. Let’s just say that I’ve been more eager than usual to make the coffee, so that I have control of the caf/ decaf ratios.

This new [ridiculous] rule has also made me much more motivated to do the food shopping. Because inside the Pathmark is a Dunkin Donuts. And inside that Dunkin Donuts is a large full caf coffee with my name on it. For extra spite I get half and half instead of skim. Last week I came in the apartment doing a dance, spinning around, then took out my empty DD coffee cup. I believe the word “sucka” might have been uttered.

Let’s hope this phase passes quickly.

Worth having a baby just to try this

Our friends introduced us to DJ Hero this past weekend. It’s pretty awesome. Even more awesome is that the male half of the couple, say we call him Josh, jazzed up his DJ turntable with an aftermarket skin.

There is something incredibly refreshing about a 33 year old buying a $15 decal for their fake DJ turntable. "I thought shipping was included," was his defense

Anwho, after seeing how good my girlfriend is at the game, Will promptly suggested that she play DJ Hero– and only play DJ Hero– for the full 3 hours that her new babysitter is at the house each day.  That’s it. No work. No emails. No radio. No reading. No cooking. No paying attention to the baby. Just play DJ Hero. While some 22 year old is changing the baby’s diaper in the next room. That night she thought that was a great idea, but I have a feeling she might have chickened out and actually did some work. Lame O.
DJ Hero is awesome, I can’t get my “My Name is”/ “Loser” remix out of my head.  It’s also fun because there is no end to the Sam Ronson jokes, of which we have a surprising number of in our repertoire.