Puttin on the ritz

 

Just because this is dated a few weeks now does not change the fact that I share the same sequined vest as one of the American Idol rejects from the first episode

Me in my sequined vest on new year's eve...

…And Noberto Guerrero in his sequined vest during his American Idol audition

I shouted “THAT GUY IS WEARING MY VEST!!”   Sadly enough, that vest was the only article of clothing I bought myself in the past year, to everyone’s dismay. It now shines brightly in my closet and makes me smile when I see it.

I was excited to find my sequined vest for $8 2 hours before the party on 5th Avenue in South Slope. If you ever need to look like a Russian House DJ (thanks “The League” for the reference), 5th Ave Brooklyn is your place.

“SMART” isn’t exactly the best word choice

I received an email from the HR dept of the company I’m contracting for, recapping a company-wide meeting about setting individiual and team “Smart” goals. And when I say Smart I mean S.M.A.R.T., but of course.

S pecific

M easurable

A ttainable

R ealistic

T imely

Because HR is awesome.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on the receiving end of a gem like this, and excitedly called out to Will, “YES!  The company is having everyone set SMART goals!”   Will, no stranger to the Preschool for Grown Ups which is Corporate America, said, “Smart is an acronym, isn’t it” and immediately tried solving the puzzle.

His gut instinct guesses: 

S trategic

M easurable

A chievable

R OI-focused

T eam-oriented

YES! We CAN achieve our SMART goals!

Not bad guesses, though only 1 for 5.   When I revealed the answers, he had immediate problems with “Attainable” and “Realistic” claiming that they are the same thing, and that’s why he didn’t guess “Reachable” for his R- pick, as it overlapped with his A-pic, “Achievable.”

But when has HR ever worried about redundancies?  bada-bump

Anywho, it’s a bit fun to be back in the fold of corporate silliness.  Though not looking forward to filling out my SMART goals for the Home Office.

 

 

 

 

Here I come to save the day…

After reading the comment from my friend Colleen about how a focus group screener asked her what super power she’d like to have, I felt compelled to write about my own super power of choice, which I’ve been wishing for for about a solid 15 years now*

Duh duh-duh-duh---- It's Diarrhea Finger Man!

That’s right, my super power of choice is to be able to give someone diarrhea with just the point of the finger. It’s really the perfect power. Think about it:

• It fights the bad guys: If someone is attacking you, robbing a bank, in a fight…  they’re going to have to stop whatever they’re doing because they just got a really bad case of diarrhea.  You really can’t do anything else if you know you’re about to crap your shorts.
• It’s just the perfect level of evil to get back at someone who’s pissing you off: Your boss is making you stay at work late, that a-hole in the deli cut the line and is now being rude to the deli man,  that girl won’t get off of her cell phone, your boyfriend just cheated on you– with THAT bitch… GIVE EM ALL DIARRHEA!  It’s not going to kill them. But it’s really going to ruin their night.
• It’s just funny.

Sometimes while driving I will actually go to give the guy who cut me off diarrhea finger*, and I get frustrated when I remember I don’t really have the power. Many have witnessed me curse the gods for not giving me the power when the situation is just so perfect for it. Did I ever wish diarrhea on you?  Hmmmm….. Maybe one day it just might work.

*Diarrhea finger was first conceptualized when I began driving and started learning about road rage. “OOOOOOH you A-hole, you just cut me the F off!  grrrrrrrr…. I hope you  get diarrhea…… NOW!”  [point finger]

This post is sounding very familiar, I think I blogged about it before. you know you’re old when.

Open invitation to join the Home Office

Conan’s severance package is a joke.

Really? A "you can't work for 9 months" clause? Really?

Now me and Will are pretty skilled at stretching our severance/ buy out/ “please take this and stop F-ing everything up” money. In a country of 2 weeks of vacation a year, time off is the most valuable thing to us. We need very little to live  and have zero debt. If we had more manageable dogs that people actually wanted to watch for extended periods of time, I’d be writing you from a hut in Mexico.

What I’m trying to say is that if I had $32 M, you could insert a “don’t work for 25 years” clause into my contract. Just saying.

I guess getting a $32 M payout and wanting to work again is the definition of liking your job!!

Cart Fail

I was so so excited to take my new cart out for a spin in Park Slope. And the fridge was empty, and some shopping needed to be done, so tonight was the night. You know, one of those old lady/ homeless lady carts that everyone has in Brooklyn

you know.... however, mine is the deluxe with swivel wheels, sucka

Will was skeptical.  It was already 7:30 pm when I was able to go.  And I was going to the food coop, 18 blocks away.  ”Don’t walk back, I’ll pick you up in the car when you’re done,” he said.  But persistent me* insisted that no, I was going to use my new cart.

Going there, with the cart folded was no sweat. Will escorted me, using the walk as the dogs’ nighttime poop excursion. But coming back…

I didn’t even make it to the number streets before the cell phone was out calling my car service. That’s a bit park slope insidery, but trust me, no more than 2 blocks. There were a few reasons why I needed the bailout:

• Swivel wheels or no, sidewalks are bumpy.  I lost a 9-grain organic baguette before I got to the first corner
• Oh crap, is it really 9:30 pm? Looks like someone spent too much time shoveling bulk organic israeli cous cous into her parchment bags
• Cart driving is not as easy as it looks, especially weighed down. Damn you swivel wheels!!
• At the pace I was going, the 15 minute walk would have been 40
• There’s  nothing like walking down the street in Brooklyn at 9:30 pm with $125 worth of groceries in a slow moving cumbersome cart, without seeing any of the usual crowds of nannies/ hyper moms/ hipsters (Brooklyn closes early!), and having just finished novel set in Park Slope that had a continuous theme that gentrified, schmentrified, you’re still in Brooklyn, to remind you that — holy shit, I’m going to get mugged, aren’t I.
• The few people I did pass were laughing at me

So I parked my cart in front of the closed but well lit hardware store. Out came the iPhone and I dialed my knight in shining armour, and by knight I mean a guy nice enough to pause the Islander game, and by shining armour I mean ’99 Accord (it is silver).

There is little more humiliating than standing on an empty sidewalk in front of a gated up hardware store with a cart filled with organic produce and having your boyfriend pull over, get out of the car, put the groceries in the trunk… and then fold up your sorry cart and put it in the backseat. FAIL.

* I’m actually one of the least persistent people you’ll ever meet. I typically give up quite easily. would have served me well, yet again.

What you miss out on at the Home Office

The HR lady from the company I’m doing contract work for… remotely… just sent out an email to all. Announcing that they are ordering in pizzas for everyone for lunch.

At least it's Boston pizza...how good could it be

Just sloppy joe leftovers in the home office!

O.M.G. Did you see that play!

I have my own bet going on for the football games today… How many texts will and his friends will exchange durig th Jets game. Like teenage girls. I initially said 11, but he’s 2/3 there only in the second quarter.

Maybe he’ll read Twilight during halftime.

Ghosts of cubicle dwellers past

I sat in an un-cleared out desk of an unfortunate predecessor.  Just as the gloom of vacant walls and vacant stares was getting to me, I saw sign of life tacked up to the cubicle wall:

Whoever sat here developed some sort of point system for items found on desks in the office. Did he play this game with coworkers? Was this his own personal game, developed to keep some element of fun in his day,like prisoners mark the days on the wall with slashes in old timey movies? I don't know, but it seems like something I would do. Kindred spirits. I bet that SOB is spending the winter in Costa Rica or something.

Of course, I’d have some modifications. For one, giving points for a phone is bunk, since everyone has one. And I don’t quite understand the high point value for a paper clip cup, though that’s kinda funny.  And I’d like to add a 500 point bonus for any picture of a celebrity hung up.*  And maybe a bonus for a calendar featuring animals (not in an animal rights way, in a “oh, look at the fluffy kittens” lame way).  Anywho, me and my former work friend Judy would have a multilayered point value system in place, and it would be competitive.** I like it! 

Yes, I’m making myself feel better about possibly reentering the work force.

* There was a girl at my old company who had Freddie Prinze Junior tear outs all over her desk. That would have been a gold mine.
** Btw, oh dear god, it is really hard to concentrate with all the gabbing, gossip, and giggling that takes place in an office. I deeply apologize to all former colleagues, as I am quite aware that that’s usually me. Between the Match.com date recaps, weekend plan summaries, Girl Scout cookie transactions… How do people work in these places?!!!!   Get me back to the home office!

I want my jammies

I’m in a real life office today. As awful as I remember! How did people ever think this was a suitable place for human beings to spend their day?

At least there’s coffee!

Slow news day: Fun things I learned about my purse on the subway

I’m done with the book I was reading and found myself with some time on my hands on the F train from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I spent some of my time avoiding the homeless woman who had shat herself and was moving car to car despite my attempts to stay one ahead of her. When that was done, and I searched through my bag. Two things learned:

Keep away from fat! I remember once me and my friend stole about 6 dozen fried garlic bread sticks from the Hauppague Pizza Hut lunch buffet. I don't think I could do that with this bag. Growny uppy.

Also:

Oh nuts, that wasn't trial sized hand moisturizer! And I put it on right before shaking an interviewer's hand. You know, I thought it was watery.